Tue 16 Oct 2018
Parenthood is all fine and dandy UNTIL you have one of those days in which every last grotty little thing that could go disastrous does.. and It haunts you forever.
Lemme fill you in on the most minging day I've had the pleasure of experiencing parenthood so far.
So, its 5:21 am. The sunshine is beaming brightly through the window, the birds are tweeting sweet lil tunes and im.. well..I'm trying to ignore the excruciating pain of my twisted stiff neck whilst my toddler sprawls across my head quite comfortably and the baby sucks my nips so hard they become numb.
Anyway, off I bounce outta bed (trying not to trip over those saggy pieces of flesh in the process). I shove as many useful items into my pocket as possible, I grab the snuggly blankets, the toddler's hand with my right and the milk monster slouched in my left arm.
I'd say we accomplished 4 steps before my toes were suddenly covered in what I could only describe as a warm shower of wetness. Yes. It turns out the baby gobbled up more milk than his little stomach could handle (eyes bigger than his belly just like his papa.)
Please don't call the mama police when reading the next sentence
I didn't even clean the puke up.
Not intentionally though I swear! I rushed around like a blue-arsed fly in order to make sure the baby bosses were sitting comfortably with their breakfast and favourite cartoons within the first 3.873 minutes- any longer than that then allllllllll hell would break loose. When I say that I mean.. toy cars launched at my nose, fighting, screaming, burnt toast, clean laundry in the bin (don't ask) slides tipped upside down, a hole in the tv.. the list is endless. The puke cleaning can wait - It's totally not worth the headache.
Anyhow forgetting about the morning's rigmarole, I decided to run the boys a bubble bath! Off we trotted back up those slightly soggy steps. I popped the eldest in his bedroom to have a wee play whilst I undressed my youngest and grabbed the bits and bobs in which I'd be needing.
Of course *rolls eyes* nothing is simple in parenthood...EVER.. the baby obviously had to do the biggest poonami and the toddler began to make a scene massively cos he didn't have time to stand around watching his little brother get his bumhole wiped ever so sensitively.. HE WANTED HIS BATH.
As quickly as I could, I whipped off the corned beef smelling nappy, cleaned him up and headed straight to the bathroom.
Ahhh what an absolute war zone that was.
1 HOUR LATER
Imagine this.. I look like a sweaty sloth, I have leaking cocker spaniel tits, my hair makes me look like I've been dragged through a thorn bush at force and I'm slowly but very surely losing the will to live.
The toddler decided he'd had enough of this and thought it would be an exceptional idea to dive HEAD first outta the bath .. I mean.. c'mon mate you're not made out of stone ( surprisingly he found it rather comical) he then proceeded to pinch my phone with the most mischievous look you could imagine sprawled across his cute lil face.. and off he darted into his bedroom.
I grabbed the baby outta the bath (trying not to slip on the puddle of water which had been thrown onto my bathroom floor) chased the miniature athlete in his bedroom....
SQUELSH!!!
*Gips* What did.. *Gips a bit more* What did I forget to move before we headed to the bathroom?
I slowly peaked down to my feet with one eye closed to find each and every toe smothered in sweetcorn shite. I cannot even describe the level of toxic poo particle fumes which were swarming in the air.
At this point, I was completely oblivious to what my eldest son was up to with my phone as I hopped to the shower to rinse my feet.
Long story short. My phone is now broken from water damage and smells of wee.
Time for bed I reckon?
GOODF*%CKINGNIGHT.